What Kind of Gifts Are You Giving?

The language of love
(from the February 2003 issue)

by Peggy and Roger Dudley

Tiffany was so excited. It was Valentine’s Day, and she could not wait to see what her fiancé, Tim, had selected as a gift for her. This was their first Valentine’s Day since their engagement. Tiffany had envisioned receiving something romantic, something personal. Would it be red roses, a box of Esther Price chocolates, a delicate perfume? Finally the time came for her to open her gift which was beautifully wrapped. Inside the box she found a low-fat cookbook! She tried to conceal her disappointment and be appreciative. What was wrong with that gift? Really nothing for some young ladies. But it was not something Tiffany viewed as a romantic gift.

When you find something you really like, do you find yourself wanting to give it to someone who is important to you? We have! But alas, we have discovered that what we value, enjoy, or appreciate may not be the same for our special person. We were amazed when at a marriage seminar we heard a young lady say that she did not like getting flowers—in fact she disliked flowers. Her husband had taken for granted that all women cherished flowers. This leads us to the conclusion that it is important to know what the gift recipient values.

In the book by Gary Chapman, The Five Languages of Love, the author identifies five different love languages. Do you know what your cherished loved one considers a love gift? Do you know which language speaks to your heart? Let us examine each of these languages and look for an application to our gift-giving methods.

Affirmation—Some people thrive on positive feedback and find it very important for their self-confidence. This may serve as a sort of evaluation of what really makes a positive difference. “Honey, you prepare such delicious and nutritious meals.” Some people like to hear the words “I love you” or other words of endearment several times a day. Soft and gentle soothing words.

Gifts—Tiffany really enjoyed getting gifts—romantic gifts. This was a message that she understood as “I love you.” To mean something special to her, presents needed to be personal and not practical like a cookbook. Now her fiancé also liked gifts, but he liked the practical kind, like books on how to make home repairs or about a hobby in which he was interested. Once they understood this principle, their gifts were really meaningful.

Service—In this category fall activities such as washing the dishes, vacuuming the rugs, washing the car, mowing the lawn, or putting a shelf in the closet. It makes a big statement to the one who is pressed for time and does not have opportunity to do it. This effort can be misunderstood by the one who does not see service as a gift of love. You have heard of husbands and fathers who have worked two jobs in order to provide necessary and extra things for their families, thinking that this was a declaration of their love. Yet these wives and children craved words of affirmation or spending time with the man of the house, in preference over material things.

Time—Perhaps you are a person who values personal time more than inanimate things. Time is life, and so spending time with someone is a gift of oneself, a gift that money cannot buy. In this age of working mothers and fathers and long commutes, time has become a very precious commodity to these families. We have a presentation for families that we call LOVE is spelled T-I-M-E.

Touch—Have you noticed how some people are “touchy-feely” and others are reserved with a definite personal space that is not to be invaded? Culture has an important influence on the amount of touching that takes place in social interactions. As we have traveled to various countries, we have noticed the vast differences. Some families do a lot of hugging. Some parents often hold their small children in their laps and snuggle them. We hope that you can remember being held and rocked. Did your mom and dad hold hands and hug and kiss each other? Was there warmth and acceptance for everyone in your family? People who grow up in such an environment are conditioned to expect this in future relationships.

So what language speaks love to your heart? What language do those who are significant to you treasure? We have heard individuals say they wanted all of them. But in all probability there are some languages which stand out and some which are not meaningful to you. Will this evaluation change the manner in which you choose gifts for your cherished loved one, for family members, for friends? There is a saying that “it is the thought that counts.” And even though it is significant to be thought about, isn’t it even more significant to select something that speaks love to the heart of the recipient?

February 9–15 is Christian Home and Family Week. We have just passed through a time of much Christmas gift-giving and are about to enter the Valentine season, which hopefully results in romantic gift-giving in your relationship. God knows how to give good gifts: If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him! (Luke 11:13, NIV). Do you know how to give truly meaningful gifts?

There are many who regard the expression of love as a weakness, and they maintain a reserve that repels others. This spirit checks the current of sympathy. As the social and generous impulses are repressed, they wither, and the heart becomes desolate and cold. We should beware of this error. Love cannot long exist without expression. Let not the heart of one connected with you starve for the want of kindness and sympathy (Ellen G. White, Adventist Home, page 107).